


Foon 359

by Leidolette



Category: Hello from the Magic Tavern, Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 07:59:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7214194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leidolette/pseuds/Leidolette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, Hello, From the Hephaestus Station.</p>
<p>Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore sit down and have a chat with the newest visitor to Foon: Communications Officer Doug Eiffel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Foon 359

**Author's Note:**

> Canon compliant (mostly) up to Episode 27 of Hello from the Magic Tavern, and Episode 35 of Wolf 359.

Far away, in a land very different from our own, two men, a wizard, and a talking badger gathered around a table in a dimly lit tavern. 

The first man adjusted the microphone in front of him, and then cleared his throat before beginning his familiar introduction:

"Hi everybody, I'm Arnie, a human from Earth. I while ago, I fell through a magical portal behind the drive-thu at a Burger King and found myself in the magical land of Foon. Luckily, I had all my podcasting equipment with me, and I still get a slight Wi-Fi signal from Burger King through the dimensional rift, so I decided to host a weekly podcast from The Vermilion Minotaur, an inn in the town of Hogsface."

Arnie paused for a split-second and looked around the table. Chunt and Usidore weren't paying much attention to the podcast opener; one was trying to fish a floating raspberry out of his stein of mead, the other was staring intently into the depths of a small stone.

The second man, however, _was_ listening. Mostly. He also seemed really intent on eating his spiced potato, but he kept his eyes on Arnie, and Arnie considered that a win. The man was dressed strangely, by both Earth and Foonian standards. He was wearing a baggy green jumpsuit, partially unzipped and showing the white undershirt underneath, with various insignias along the chest and arms -- the only ones Arnie recognized were the American flag and the United States Air Force logo. Even though he was clearly wearing a uniform, everything about the man seemed somewhat disheveled. 

Realizing that he'd paused a hair too long, Arnie jumped back in, "And, as usual, I'm here at the tavern with my two boon companions, Chunt and Usido--"

The wizard sprang into life. "I am Usidore," he yelled right into the microphone. "Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Terr'akkas. The elves know me as Fi’ang Yalok. The dwarves know me as Zoenen Hoogstandjes--"

"Hoobastank," interrupted Arnie, mostly out of habit. To everyone's surprise, the second man at the table actually laughed a little. Even Usidore paused for a moment.

"...I am also known in the Northeast as Gaismunēnas Meistar. And there are many secret names which you do not know yet. Names of great power and glory! Appellations that must be wielded with the utmost care."

"And this is Chunt, the talking badger," Arnie continued after a beat.

"Hello," Chunt said, giving a little wave with his badger paw, even though none of the listeners could see it. "I'm Chunt. And I'm actually a shapeshifter, I'm just in the form of a badger for now," he said, with just the hint of an edge in his voice directed at Arnie. Arnie ignored it.

"And we have a special guest here with us today! Why don't you introduce yourself?" Arnie gestured at the other man at the table. 

"I'm, uh, Communications Officer Doug Eiffel," Eiffel said around a mouthful of food.

"And where are you from?" Arnie asked, excited and clearly already knowing the answer. 

"Um, Boston?"

"Earth! Boston is a place on Earth, you guys!" Arnie told Chunt and Usidore with a big smile on his face. 

"Cool," said Chunt, unimpressed. 

"And is this 'Boston' also held in thrall to the despotic Burger King?" Usidore asked, pronouncing 'Boston' completely wrong. 

"Nah," said Eiffel. "I'm pretty sure we're a vassal state for the Duke of Dunkin' Donuts, if anything."

Arnie laughed, but Usidore nodded gravely. "Ah, you suffer at the hands of foreign authority. How unfortunate."

"Yeah..." Eiffel clearly didn't know how to respond to that. Which was fine, because Usidore continued anyways.

"But I must warn you, traveler, that another authority threatens us all! One far more monstrous and powerful than any in the realm of Earth."

Usidore muttered a few words under his breath, and all the candles at the table dimmed in unison. The shadows were deep and ominous along Usidore's lined face. "You see, there exists in shadows a power that rises and plots against all of Foon!"

"Well, that sucks," Eiffel said.

"Yes, it sucks indeed! I am gathering together a band of powerful warriors and wise mystics that will stand with me to defeat the evil that wields the Void."

Eiffel glanced at Chunt and Arnie out of the corner of his eye. Neither were paying Usidore the slightest bit of attention. Apparently this wasn't something to worked up about, which further solidified Eiffel's intention to weasel out of this.

"So, will you join me on my quest to end the Dark Lord's reign of profane magicks and misery?" Usidore had finally finished his sales pitch.

"Uh, gonna have to turn that offer down. Sorry that I can't go bring the One Ring to Mordor with you, but I spend enough time being menaced by vague forces in my own dimension."

"Well, if you change your mind..." Usidore trailed off hopefully.

"You'll definitely be the first wizard that I call," Doug affirmed. "But for now, I just want to sit here and eat my potato."

Usidore seemed mollified by that. "Good, good. Just gaze deeply into the eyes of a newborn calico kitten under the light of a full moon and blink twice if you want to get in touch."

Neglecting to mention that on his side of the interdimensional portal, there were neither cats nor moons for light years around, Eiffel nodded. "Got it."

With the Dark Lord quest business now dispensed, Arnie watched as Eiffel picked up his fork again. "I gotta say, as a fellow man from Earth I wouldn't have thought that you'd like the spiced potatoes so much. I mean, it's a raw potato covered in dirt and a random assortment of spices."

"Oh, it's no pizza, that's for sure," Eiffel agreed as he shoveled the last bite of the very firm and incredibly strong-tasting potato into his mouth. "But after years of living off flavored seaweed and meal rations so old they got to be left over from the Korean War, this is heaven," Eiffel said, even as his eyes watered from the literal pile of mixed spices that had rested atop his potato.

"Hahaha!" laughed Usidore as he clapped Eiffel on the back, causing him to cough as a bit of the potato went down the wrong pipe. "This far-traveler knows quality when he sees it!" Usidore turned away from the table and screamed "Barkeep! Another of your finest spiced potatoes!" in a booming voice. Another spiced potato was set down in front of Eiffel in short order, and he dug right in.

"So how did you find your way to Foon? Is there some portal around here I can use to get back to Earth?" Arnie asked.

"Beats me. I'm not even sure how I got here, really. I heard Kepler, my boss, coming around the corner, so I scrambled down one of the unused corridors and got lost. I was floating past a door I'd never seen before and heard some noises. When I opened the door there was this bright flash of light, and then **BAM!** , suddenly there's horse crap all over my shoes and I'm hanging out with the Fellowship of the Ring."

"'Floated?'" Arnie echoed.

"Are you a magic-wielder?" asked Usidore, suspicious.

"Heh, no. I can't believe I forgot to say this earlier, but I'm an astronaut aboard the U.S.S. Hephaestus Research Station."

"You're an astronaut?" said a very surprised Arnie.

"What's an astronaut?" asked Chunt.

It was on the tip of Arnie's tongue to say 'I don't want to explain earth stuff,' but he sensed everything would just go much smoother if he offered some sort of explanation, so he quickly said: "It's like a sailor who goes up and flies around in outer space, like where stars and comets are. It's a pretty prestigious job, back on Earth."

"Comets are ill omens." Usidore narrowed his eyes at Eiffel.

Chunt's eyes had become glazed and distant at Arnie's words, as if he were trying to remember a fever dream. "That.. actually sounds kind of familiar. Hey, this might sound weird, but have you heard from that other space guy?"

"What other space guy?" Eiffel said.

"I swear I heard something before about some other guy stuck on a ship out in space somewhere."

"What?" Eiffel was still lost.

"Eh, never mind," Chunt said with a wave of his paw, "You just reminded me of someone else for a sec. Probably a dream."

There was a moment of uneasy déjà vu for several members at the table. Eiffel continued eating.

"So what's it like being up there in space?" Arnie asked after a minute. "You're living the dream of millions of little kids, after all."

"I'm gonna be honest with you guys," Eiffel said. "It's pretty much a living hell. The food's awful, the work's awful, and everything, _everything_ , wants to kill you."

"Sounds like Foon," Arnie mumbled under his breath.

"And now there's the New Kids on the Block in control, and, guess what, they kind of want to kill us too! Maybe." Eiffel was now gesturing wildly with his hands. "And the dwarf star we're orbiting changed color! And then there's the strange transmissions coming from definitely-not-aliens-no-sir! Really, it's all a mess." Eiffel took a long pull from his mead.

"Uh, sorry, man," Chunt said said awkwardly.

"Thanks, it's not that bad," Eiffel said automatically, then shook himself a little, "No, wait, it actually _is_ that bad, but at least I'm not stuck there alone. Commander Minkowski and Hera have had my back since the beginning, and Captain Lovelace ain't bad either."

"Who's Hera?" Chunt asked, since both the other people mentioned got titles in front of their names.

"She's the A.I. that runs the space station--"

"Wait, wait, wait," Arnie interrupted. "Artificial intelligence? A space station orbiting a distant star? I thought you said you were from Earth?"

"I am?" Eiffel said, puzzled.

"No, Earth doesn't have human-level A.I. or interstellar travel, at least not yet." Arnie paused. "Wait are you from the future?"

"I dunno," Eiffel said, having very little idea of what was going on. But since that had been the norm for the past several years of his life, Eiffel rolled with it. "Is 2016 the future to you?"

"No, that sounds about right," Arnie said, deflating. "I guess you're not from _my_ Earth at all. You must come from some other, alternate dimension Earth."

"Hey man, I'm sorry," Eiffel said. "At least Foon seems like a nice place to be stuck, like an extended vacation in the Shire. You in a hurry to get back to Earth for some particular reason?"

"I have a wife and newborn child that I left behind on Earth -- it's been almost a year, and I really miss them," Arnie said, giving his somewhat rote answer. 

"That's horrible," Eiffel said in a miserable-sounding voice. He looked completely stricken, much more so than any of them would have expected, being used to the relatively blasé assumptions of child abandonment that were the norm in Foon. Chunt, who had been about to give Arnie shit about not really caring about his family, closed his mouth and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

Frankly, it really brought the mood down. 

There was an awkward silence at the table for a few moments. It was quiet enough for them to catch a snippet of the rumor that Otok Barleyfoot was sharing with a customer over at the bar. Surprise, surprise, rumor had it that the new blacksmith was gay. 

"...so, you never explained who this Hera was?" Chunt prompted, trying to move the conversation through this rough patch. 

"Oh," Eiffel said, pulling himself back into the present. "Hera is the A.I. who runs the space station that I've been assigned to for the last couple years. I guess 'space station that I've been trapped on' is a better way to put it."

"What's an A.I.?" Chunt asked.

"She's basically our HAL 9000, except way cooler." Eiffel said. "And, of course, much less evil." Eiffel hastily added.

Chunt and Usidore stared blankly at him.

Arnie broke in. "Chunt, remember when we talked about about millions of tiny waterwheels powered by lightning? That's what an A.I. is, except also a person."

"Okay," Chunt said, drawing out the word in a I-can't-believe-you-expect-me-to-swallow-this-bullshit kind of way.

"No, that's kind of right, I guess," Eiffel said hesitantly. "Though, a deeply weird way of putting it."

"But this computer truly is a person?" Usidore asked. "Are you certain that she is not a Wire Golem? Or a construct summoned by some unholy, elemental sorcerer of your world?"

"Yep, she's a real, actual person." On this point Eiffel sounded firm.

"I've never been a computer before," said Chunt thoughtfully. "Is she single?"

"Um, what?" 

"Chunt is a shapeshifter, and the way that he transforms is through sexual intercourse," Arnie explained.

"Yeah," said Chunt. "I have sex, and then about two weeks later, more or less, I shapeshift into a copy of the thing I slept with."

"Wow." Eiffel was stunned. "So this is magic, huh. You know, I really thought a magic world would have more potion brewing and fire-breathing dragons, and less bestiality."

"That's what I thought too! But, yeah, Foon can get pretty weird," Arnie said. Usidore ground his teeth, but said nothing about it.

"And there are dragons too," added Usidore. "Of course, you can also make love to them."

"Yeah, that does seem to be a theme around here," Eiffel said.

"So that's why Hera and I should have sex, so I can be an lightning waterwheel person for a while. C'mon, hook me up Doug," Chunt said. Eiffel made a face.

"I hate to ask this," Arnie said with half a laugh in his voice, "But how would that even work?"

"What do you mean 'how would that work?' I'd probably start by introducing myself, chatting her up a little, feeling out the situation, and then, if she were into it, asking if she would be down for a couple rounds of anal sex."

Eiffel stared and Arnie laughed. "You're so certain this is going to work out. And how many buttholes do you think that Hera has?" Arnie managed to gasp out.

"Well, she runs a whole space station, so she seems a lot more powerful than you, Arnie, Mr. One-Butthole. I would guess at least three," Chunt snapped back.

Eiffel seemed extremely uncomfortable with the turn the discussion had taken. "Um, Hera is a computer. She doesn't have any buttholes. At all."

"Huh," said Chunt, obviously put off at the thought of a being without even a single measly butthole. But then he shrugged and continued, "Well, if we fucked and I turned into a computer, I'd definitely have a couple of buttholes. That's guaranteed."

Arnie and and Eiffel both looked kind of disgusted at the idea of a computer with multiple buttholes, but Usidore nodded. "Of course. You did wish for that," he said.

"Computers also don't have vaginas or mouths, Chunt, so I'm not even sure how you're even going to get to the computer-with-buttholes stage," Arnie said.

Chunt looked undeterred. "Well, Doug here said that Hera was a person. Where there's a will, there's a way. I'm sure there's _someplace_ I can stick my penis that she would be into. Like, does she have a--"

"Okay, okay!" Eiffel threw up his hands. "Let's just... stop talking about the non-existent orifices of my coworker and friend, please."

"Fine," Chunt said unhappily. "This is normal for a shapeshifter, you know."

"Would you like a third spiced potato?" Usidore asked, noticing that Eiffel has once again cleaned his plate. 

"Oh man, that would be great."

"Blemish, another!" Usidore roared. Blemish opened his mouth and hissed back with the echoing sound of hundreds of angry geese, but he quickly and efficiently fetched a nice, dirty spiced potato for Eiffel. Blemish was always a good worker.

It was at that moment that the headset that Eiffel had casually slung around his neck crackled to life. "Eiffel!" said a staticky voice. 

Everyone at the table started in surprise at the unfamiliar, crackling sound. 

"Whoa, that thing can talk?" Chunt said. 

"Is that your Commander?" Arnie asked, catching on quick. "Put her on speaker for the podcast."

Usidore shot to his feet, a bolt of minuscule lightning snapping at his fingertips. "I knew it!" he bellowed. "You are a sorcerer in disguise! None that serve the Dark Lord can fool Usidore, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephysiyies, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of--"

"Eiffel, do you read me?" the voice, which Eiffel now recognized as Minkowski, continued over Usidore's recitation of his full name. 

"Commander!" Eiffel said, adjusting the controls on the side of the headset. "Yes, I read you-- ow!"

"Eiffel, are you injured!" Even the non-Eiffel folks at the table could hear the notes of worry in the voice. 

"Yeah, yeah." Eiffel rubbed his shoulder while glaring at Usidore. "This wizard over here just shocked me with a tiny lightning bolt. Kinda stings."

"Er, a _what_ did _what_ to you?"

"It's kinda hard to explain, Commander, but I'll sum it up as quickly as possible: the _Hephaestus_ has an interdimensional portal in one of our supply closets, and it sent me straight to Narnia."

The disbelieving silence on the other end was almost palpable.

"That's probably pretty accurate," Chunt said, leaning towards Eiffel's headset. He felt like he should back up Eiffel if he wanted to get an in with Hera. "Except this is Foon, not Narnia."

"Officer Eiffel, who is speaking?" Uh oh, Minkowski was using his rank, she must really be getting worked up.

"The people who are helping me!" Eiffel jumped in before Chunt could get a word out. God forbid Chunt's introduction set off Usidore's.

There was a long-suffering sigh from the line. "Look, I don't have time for this right now. Wherever you are, whatever is happening, you have to get back here right now. Kepler is looking for you; Lovelace and Hera are keeping him busy, but that can't last for long. And if you really have some kind of ridiculous inter-dimensional portal -- which is an idea that I can't believe I'm even entertaining -- he can't know about it. Remember what happened the last time you found something strange."

"Ugh, do I ever."

"Plus, I don't know, maybe we could use this to our advantage somehow. Perhaps an escape route."

"Foon's pretty dangerous," Arnie said. "Wait, are any of you children? Because then it's really gonna be a problem."

Eiffel waved him off, and continued speaking into the microphone. "You know, Commander, I never though I'd say this, but I'm actually missing the _Hephaestus_ right about now. Got any ideas on how I can get back?"

"I'll get Hilbert on the line. We can brainstorm."

There was a click as Hilbert's microphone turned on. "I am already listening, Commander Minkowski. So the inter-dimensional portal was... in one of our unused storage spaces in one of the vacant wings."

"That is what I'm saying, Dr. X."

"To have something like this so close to the heart of the _Hephaestus_..."

"Yeah?"

"It could be contributing to, or causing, some of the anomalies we experience on the _Hephaestus._ "

"Are you saying that Wolf 359 turned blue just because we can now get spiced potatoes and rainbow bowls if we take a wrong turn at Albuquerque while wandering the _Hephaestus_?"

"I said _some_ of the anomalies."

"A blue star is a frightful omen. It heralds strife and interpersonal upheaval in your future." Usidore's voice had fallen to a dramatic whisper.

"Somehow, Usidore, I have complete faith that your prediction will come true," Eiffel said sarcastically. 

"Why didn't you send out a distress call when you realized something was wrong?" Minkowski said, trying to keep things on track.

"I've been trying to contact the _Hephaestus_ since I got here and all I've gotten is an earful of static. I wonder what's changed now?"

"Perhaps the portal is dilating again?" Hilbert said, sounding thoughtful. 

"Ugh, _dilating_." As per usual, Arnie simply could not keep his remarks to himself. 

"Yes, perhaps it is," said Usidore. "If only we had the rendered fat from a half-dozen pre-teen children at out disposal. That would ease the passage. I know it is distasteful," he added when everyone else at the table winced, "But sometimes distasteful things must be done to reach our magical goals!"

"Replace the word 'magical' with 'scientific,' and I would agree," said Hilbert. 

"Of course you would agree with that," Eiffel grumbled. 

"But we don't have any child lard right now," said Chunt. "I don't think you're going to be able to fit through the portal back to your dimension. Arnie can't fit through his."

"The radio signal is coming through pretty clear now, maybe the portal that connects Doug's dimension with Foon is stronger than the one that connects to my Earth," Arnie pointed out. "Maybe he can just like, hop through?"

"That sounds... stupid," Hilbert said. Chunt nodded in agreement.

There was another click from the headset, and strange, echoing voice broke in, "Uh, guys? Whatever you do, it better be quick. Kepler is getting really impatient with Lovelace's stalling, and I think we all know that the Colonel doesn't handle impatience very well."

"Is that Hera?" Chunt whispered into Eiffel's ear.

"Yeah?"

"Cool, cool." Chunt's voice was a little deeper and a little smoother as he leaned forward to talk clearly into the microphone. "Hi there. Hera, right? Your friend's all right. We're just hanging out having a good time, drinking some raspberry mead and rainbow bowls. You should stop by some time."

"What? Who is this?" Hera could not sound more confused.

"Chunt here, and I have to ask: Do you like badgers?"

"I guess so, why?" Hera said, still confused.

Chunt smiled. "Because I'm--"

"Okay, enough of this," Minkowski interrupted in her best commander-voice. "Eiffel, we're out of time. Just go and try to jump back through with your fingers crossed. We'll revisit our options if it fails."

"Copy that, Commander." Eiffel shoved one last bite of spiced potato into his mouth before he hustled out the doors of The Vermilion Minotaur and into the street outside. Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore followed.

"So where'd you come through at?" Arnie said, adjusting the podcast microphone in his hands and trying to hide that he was a little out of breath. Everyone noticed anyways.

Eiffel pointed at a spot close to the Western wall of The Vermilion Minotaur. "Right there. About about seven feet above that pile of horse crap."

Sure enough, there was a large pile of horse manure that already had several clear Eiffel-prints all over it. Eiffel moved towards the stone side of the tavern and made to scale the wall.

"Star traveler!" Usidore cried out. "Before you go, take this."

Usidore hurried towards Eiffel, and, in one graceful movement, produced a small grey stone from a fold in his robes. 

Eiffel took it gingerly. "What is it?"

"Why, it is a Constellation Sphere! It is imbued with strong magicks that will ensure your passage to the stars, and there keep you safe from bodily harm."

"Whoa, are you serious? This will really protect me on the _Hephaestus_?"

Simultaneously, Arnie said "no," Usidore said "of course," and Chunt shrugged.

"Okay," Eiffel said, sounding pretty unsure. "Well, thanks, bud. I'll keep it secret, keep it safe." Eiffel put the stone in his pocket.

"Yes, that would be optimal," agreed Usidore. "Also, you should really be lubed up for a maneuver like this." In the same graceful motion, Usidore brought out a handful of warm butter from his robes and smeared it all over Eiffel's head.

"Ugh! Jesus, stop that!" Eiffel tried to wave Usidore away, but just got butter all over his arms and hands in the process. "I'm fine!"

Finally, after the butter was gone, Usidore stepped back. "Farewell, traveler, may you soar as if carried by the Eagle Lords themselves!"

"Thanks," Eiffel grunted reluctantly, beginning his climb up the wall of the tavern, which was much more treacherous, now that the rough-hewn stones slipped around in his buttery grip.

"Bye," yelled Chunt as Eiffel reached the ledge denoting the top of the first floor of The Vermilion Minotaur -- Eiffel obviously planned to jump through the portal from above. "If Hera ever mentions me, tell her that I'm interested, even if she doesn't have any buttholes! I promise I'm a good lay!"

"Please!" shouted Arnie. "If you ever discover an alternate portal to my dimension, please come back and help me reunite--!" 

But it was too late. Eiffel had already jumped from the ledge, and was now plummeting very quickly towards the ground below. The fall wasn't high enough to kill him, but several unrelated onlookers from the street figured he was headed towards a broken ankle.

Then, just a few feet from the horse shit, Eiffel jerked to a halt.

There was a moment when Eiffel seemed to hover in mid air. A second later, as if he were sliding underwater, he disappeared from the feet up.

It suddenly seemed very quiet to the remaining members of the party, as they slowly walked back into The Vermilion Minotaur and sat at their customary table. This time they were without the chattering Eiffel or his obnoxious headset. Arnie ordered a round of rainbow bowls for all of them.

"So," said Chunt to Arnie. "Are you pissed that, once again, a guest gets to travel home through a portal while you have to stay here?"

"Chunt--"

"'Cause I don't think you're pissed at all. I think you're fine with it."

"That's not true--"

"Do you even remember your daughter's name?"

Arnie sighed a weary, long-suffering sigh and spoke into the microphone and began his sign off. "I'd like to thank out guest this week, Communications Officer Doug Eiffel of the _U.S.S. Hephaestus Research Station_. He had had to leave a little early, but we were glad to have him."

"If it makes you feel any better, Arnold, he's probably dead. I doubt that butter helped at all." Usidore said, failing utterly at cheering Arnie up.

"Oh god," Arnie groaned, then continued the podcast. "And, as always you can email us at magictavern@puppies.supplies -- which is a real email address, by the way -- we would love to get your questions or comments."

"If they're good," said Chunt.

Arnie raised his voice to talk over Chunt. "Thank you everybody so much, and join us next week at the magic tavern."

**Author's Note:**

> As soon as I heard the desperate plea from that trapped astronaut in an episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern, I knew what I had to do.


End file.
